If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
