i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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