I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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