I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
