you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Randomize
