you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
