i just sold back the books i vomitted on
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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