That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
