dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
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