i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
