Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
