went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
i think im in europe. pls send help
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
