Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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