someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
