Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
