Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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