birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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