So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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