the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
