Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
