I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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