Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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