i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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