I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
