last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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