Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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