Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I believe in your delicious
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
