Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
