I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
