to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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