Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
