I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
