My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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