At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
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