Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
