need another drink. this is the easiest way
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
