OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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