Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
