he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
