Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
