I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
