Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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