Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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