listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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