i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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