someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
