i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize