How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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