And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
