Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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